artcade 2022: necroposting

[miscellanium]

originally written for artcade 2022, revised and republished in 2026. uses pendulumscale's oc avery. also on ao3.

title: necroposting
rating: R-15/mature
word count: ~1370
warnings: implied necrophilia, goofy black magic, internet forums
preview: "Please stop talking to me about penis."

Didn’t you say you’d done this before?

yeah but i havent tried combining parts like this before

Combining?

Father Maurice Montgomery sat back in his seat and took off his reading glasses so he could rub at his eyes. He’d browsed the internet for personal use at his work station before but this was the first time he’d tried messaging anyone. Well, technically the other person had messaged him.

He still didn’t feel like he fully understood the ins and outs of web browsing, though he’d agreed to learn how to use computers a while ago in order to better lead his organization. New millennium and all that. There was a whole online world of forums out there, places where he and agents younger and more net-savvy than himself could recruit new members more efficiently than through phampleteering and the like. One forum Maurice was rather fond of focused on the art of dealing with the dead, and it had a subforum where the more trustworthy users could discuss more serious topics. Topics such as genuine necromancy, he’d discovered.

yknow, like arms from one guy, legs from another. combining

Why did you not simply use an intact corpse?

if i had one i wouldve used it. duh. just help me out here man

Avery let out a frustrated sigh and shook his shaggy purple hair out of his eyes, glancing back and forth between their computer screen and the mass of flesh on their floor that seemed to be trying to…say something? Or maybe it was just making noises the way a decomposing body might. Their tail gave a brief rattle and the sounds stopped. They pulled their feet up onto the chair, letting their tail hang free, and rested their chin on their knees as they waited for the reply to their message.

They’d been part of this particular subforum long before that other guy had signed up, but la_risurrezione seemed more legit than a lot of the other users who were just Aleister Crowley-worshiping wannabes. That handle and his way of typing felt pretentious as hell but the casual descriptions of his work and research lined up enough with Avery’s personal experiences that he seemed worth trusting. So when this latest attempt had started going sideways, they sent a direct message to la_risurrezione since he apparently hadn’t learned that most people on the internet these days don’t let platforms show when they’re actually online.

If you’re combining parts like that then there’s your problem. The spell you’re using likely wasn’t designed for multiple bodies.

but it’s not multiple bodies it’s just one after you add everything together

You have parts from multiple bodies. Don’t be a smart aleck.

are you gonna help me or not

It’s a more advanced spell. You may not have the components on hand. The first major ingredient is rattlesnake venom.

Maurice put his glasses back on, adjusting the golden half-moon rims, and retrieved a notebook and a heavy leather-bound tome from one of the drawers of his desk. It was a large executive desk, with roomy drawers, and he’d wasted no time filling it up to overflowing with papers and books after finally getting to move out of the tiny office he’d been stuck in for years. It was also convenient being able to put his more…controversial texts out of sight, since even though he was the leader now there were still some people unhappy with his research specializations. At least online nobody had to know he was a priest.

alrite rattlesnake venom easy peasy. how much and what else?

Avery could just milk their own venom, but the other guy didn’t have to know that. They’d also accumulated a rather wide range of things typically used in necromancy according to what they’d taught themself; it was useful having a magical delivery boy for a roommate. However, there were still some gaps in their knowledge. So when la_risurrezione gave an ingredient name in Latin, along with a condescending apology about how it didn’t translate well so he could only give it in the original language, Avery felt as though they had to play along if they didn’t want to look like even more of an idiot.

Latin was kinda close to English, right? With the roots and everything. So if the word looked kinda like something they recognized in English then that was probably what it was.

uh huh got it

Then you’ll want to put that compound in the mouth of the body. It does have a mouth, I hope?

yes??? he has all the holes why wouldnt he?????

Maurice let out a loud sigh. Dren looked up from his seat in a nearby corner of the office, where he’d been reading that week's issues of assorted Albanian newspapers to catch up on developments at home, and raised an eyebrow at the old priest when they made eye contact. Maurice just shook his head, uninterested in explaining the whole situation to someone already a bit squeamish about this particular hobby of his, so Dren shrugged in response and returned to his newspapers.

After you’ve completed that step, you’ll need to recite the following spell. I wrote it myself so I haven’t had a need to translate it. Until now.

Avery rolled their eyes. More Latin. What a pretentious fuck. Still, at least he didn’t seem as arrogant as some of the edgelords on the forum.

no no it’s fine. lemme try it. back in five

It most certainly should take more than five minutes.

Even in Maurice’s free time he had to teach people. He really was a selfless man, using his boundless knowledge to help a certain xxDeathx69xKumxx. Or were you supposed to pronounce that as Death 69…? With another sigh, he looked at his watch then compared the time to the clock on his computer. A minute slow. The computer, not his watch - he always wound his watch by hand so it couldn't possibly be the one in the wrong.

It did take more than five minutes but Avery wasn't about to admit that. They also weren't about to admit that they had no goddamn clue what they'd been told to read. They'd done their best, though, so it wasn't their fault that la_risurrezione was a douche. A helpful douche, but a douche nonetheless.

Just when they were about to call the spell a wash and send an angry message to that douche, the body on their floor convulsed then moved in a way that seemed as though it were trying to stand. Delighted, Avery grabbed their tail to stop it from rattling in excitement and potentially spooking their new boyfriend. Then they watched as the dick they'd so lovingly selected began vibrating so hard it detached itself from the body and shot out their window.

Well? I do need to attend to my own matters.

Avery ran to the window and peered out, squinting against the daylight invading their pleasantly dark room. Maybe knowing some Latin was more important than they'd thought. Sadly they returned to their computer.

his dick exploded :(

Excuse me?

it went out the window :(

Maurice took off his glasses again.

This is not the time for jokes.

no im serious what do i do

Retrieve it. Then learn Latin.

>:(

Going outside…. Even for this Avery wasn't sure the effort was worth it. They could just get a new one delivered, and the old one, well…. Maybe it'd make a nice snack for someone.

if your old magic is so fancy then tell me how to conjure a new dick for him

Please stop talking to me about penis.

fine. when i need undead pussy i'll come back

Please don't -

Avery closed out of the exchange with a huff before they saw the rest of the other guy's message. They got the idea anyway. Shutting down as soon as cock was brought up? What kind of necromancer was he? Weak. Still, maybe they would actually try to message him again once they figured out exactly what they'd done wrong with the spell. With a little more trial and error it shouldn't be too difficult; after all, they'd gotten this far on that alone.

Replacing the broken window would be a pain but their roommate had experienced his share of unexpected property damage so they weren't too concerned about the repercussions. And anyway, dealing with this corpse before it went bad was more important. Dick or no dick, Avery could still have fun.